My partner's sister is *the* quintessential hausfrau. She "works part time" doing god knows what and has three children, all under age 5, whom she dresses in color-coordinated outfits. She calls wine "mommy juice" and talks about "play dates" and is perhaps the most vapid person on earth. At one point, she was actually fun, but this is before she met...
the most dull man on earth, my brother-in-law. Dull is one thing. But he's also a smug, condescending, homophobe. He's always talking about his house and maintenance projects and then laughing with a jocular "But you wouldn't understand THAT!" punch to the arm (we live in the city)...He's the classic football star who then landed in some middle-management cubicle and thinks he's the hottest thing on legs. He wears pleated pants and has a small beer gut which he covers up with expensive sweaters bought my his wife.
I have tried to engage him in conversation about books, world events, etc. but he's basically incapable of having a conversation that doesn't involve some Will Ferrel reference or some snide comment about minorities, or gays...
They have a photo of a bathroom in their bathroom...done up by Sears...
I honestly cannot stand them, and GUESS WHERE WE'RE SPENDING EASTER?
Hold me Datalounge.
You should go on Twitter and see if anyone there gives a shit, OP.
[quote]He wears pleated pants
What's wrong with pleated pants?
Pleated pants make men look too curvaceous and fat.
He just sounds like a regular straight guy. You on the other hand...
And yet, OP, you desperately want his approval.
Find their hamper and ejaculate in a pair of his dirty underwear.
Princess problems, OP.
As long as your partner's sister and her husband are not openly homophobic or surreptitiously trying to sabotage your relationship, you are luckier than many thousands of partnered gay people in the US.
And the fact you have a meal to eat today makes you richer than most people in the world.
Yes, yes make it a game to seduce him and ruin your relationship and hers. Fun!
Oh r7, GET A GRIP.
[quote]What's wrong with pleated pants?
[italic]Leave this board.[/italic]
Yet another reason to be grateful that my father is an atheist: no family Easter dinners! We all stay in our own homes & eat chocolate eggs, which makes everyone happy.
Does your partner hate him, too? Why are you spending Easter with him? I really don't understand people who whine about how awful some other person is, and then put on the "It's faaaaaaamily, so I haaaave to" act.
OP, you don't have to attend this family gathering. Make your own plans to do something else. Nobody is going to question you about this.
You CHOOSE to spend time with him yet you want pity. Fuck you.
R1, in the future, leave "R1" to the professionals.
It could be much worse, OP. At least your brother-in-law is ambitious and has a functioning brain. There a members of my partner's family who are clearly challenged mentally. Even though they are in their mid 20s, they don't work full time. They can't manage to inspire themselves to go to college and get a decent education. One of them collects some form of "disability", whatever that means. Does laziness qualify as a form of disability these days? God, I can't stand listening to them whine about their 'problems'! Try working for a living!
[quote]I really don't understand people who whine about how awful some other person is, and then put on the "It's faaaaaaamily, so I haaaave to" act.
Were you raised by a Siberian Tiger or a Polar Bear?
Unless you were, then you shouldn't have a problem comprehending the concept of "family obligation."
I have a very hard time understanding it. Why is it an "obligation"? What happens if the OP decides not to do it? Will they hire goons to come break his knees?
My family is a bunch of dysfunctional, hillbilly 'phobes and I disowned them all years ago. I got a couple of manipulative phone calls from my BPD mother and a nasty, Bible-thumping e-mail from my SIL before I changed my number & e-mail address. That was it.
Such utter bullshit, r19. You're just mouthing a conventional heterosexual pietism, "family obligation," that means nothing.
Adults have little obligation (if any) to have to visit their family for holidays, and their partners certainly do not.
And before you ask: I'm very close with my own family. But our closeness is a pleasure, not an obligation.
R19, but we CHOOSE not to be obligated, not to spend time with someone just because of some bit of DNA sputtered into the right woman at the right time.
Thank you, R21. I was starting to feel like I'd entered the Twilight Zone.
Anyone pushing the silly "family obligation" is displaying a fundie frau mentality.
I hear people I work with at every holiday say things like one daughter and her husband won't be coming to the big family dinner or the single son went on a trip somewhere with his girlfriend, and every other possible version of someone-made-other-plans.
It's just a fact, if you don't want to go a family gathering, you don't have to, whether it's your own family or your partner's family.
If you choose to go, put on a nice face and stop complaining about it.
Just because some here have successfully "cut off" their family doesn't mean everyone has or should. It is a process and takes time. It took me almost 15 years to successfully establish boundaries with my family after leaving home at 18. It can be especially difficult if there are family members you still care about. I still see my family occasionally but it because/when I want to.
Why would it take 15 years to establish boundaries? You establish them and then you hold them. And if your relatives choose to not honor your boundaries, you leave. It took me 15 minutes to establish boundaries and only a couple of repetitions before they got the message.
And if they don't get the message, that's their problem, not yours. Life's too short to waste time with toxic relationships.
I'm glad I like my family and they like me. Having to live your life in perpetual drama must suck. How many bring this on themselves by expecting too much?
[quote]What's wrong with pleated pants?
I HATE, HATE, HATE pleated pants on men.
[quote]And if they don't get the message, that's their problem, not yours. Life's too short to waste time with toxic relationships.
Good advice, R27!
Having the belief you should be able to talk to you in-laws as friends is not a rational one. If you don't like the guy don't talk to him (beyond pleasantries like "great ham" or whatever) and if you don't want to go then don't.
You didn't mention how important this was to your partner. I have a deal with mine where we each get a couple of "just do it for me" occasions each year where one of us grins and bears the situation. You folks could also look at potential compromises like stopping by for dessert or something like that.
I understand he actually speaks highly of you.
In the old days, gays were cast out from their family, OP. They didn't have to be surrounded by their family on the holidays, because they had their asses kicked out of their family.
Now, they have to deal with the same thing straight people do - hang out with boring family members they have nothing in common with. Keep in mind, family is awfully handy when you need some support - emotional, timewise, or whatever, to help you get through life's shittiest moments. You may find the support of this "boring and tasteless" couple just the thing in case of family illness or emergency. Some things do matter more.
You don't want to hear it but it's true.
R27, I actually love my siblings. However, I have a mother that rule the roost with a iron fist. I was always the rebellious one and felt badly that my siblings were often caught between the two of us. I was the second child and had three younger siblings that I still wanted to be a part of my life. So my choice was to walk away and miss a major part of their life or suck it up for awhile by dealing with my mother. Eventually, I made it clear to my then adult siblings that I loved them and wanted them in my life but I was not going to be forced to deal with my mother. We see each other away from my mother but that means I miss a lot of important events in their and their family's lives because they all remain close to her. The first few years it was painful but I have since got over it.
I also hate my sister in law who is a bitch and tries to be manipulative and assumes Im just gonna be nice to her because she is my sister in law...well she got that one wrong.
I really like you, r27. I could probably learn a lot from you. I try to set boundaries with my homophobic parents but somehow I can still get sucked into their poison. I have been with my partner for 15 years and they will have nothing to do with him. It is pretty sick.
[quote]I try to set boundaries with my homophobic parents but somehow I can still get sucked into their poison.
Don't answer the phone every time they call. Don't reply to their e-mail for several days. After awhile they may wake up. If not, ignore all their phone calls and all their email.
R35, the first lesson you have to learn is that you cannot change others. The only person whose behavior and attitudes you control is you.
The second lesson you have to learn is that you have to stand up for yourself and that you're worth standing up for.
The third lesson you have to learn is that sometimes you have to walk away, painful though that can be. Sometimes that walking away is temporary; sometimes it's permanent. And it's up to them, not to you, to decide which it is.
If your parents are homophobic, refusing to accept you as you are, refusing to accept your partner, denigrating you and your partner, poisoning the atmosphere when you're with them, you owe it to yourself and to your partner to refuse to tolerate their behavior.
The most important thing to recognize is that the threat, if there is one, cannot be an idle one. You cannot tell your relatives that you will not tolerate specific words or actions, then turn around and say and do nothing when they do it again as they've done many times before.
If it's a topic you don't want to hear, firmly and respectfully change the subject. If they don't take the hint, make it plain that you are bothered by the conversation and that you don't wish to hear such talk. If they still persist, either walk away or hang up. Repeat until they get it. And if they never do, be prepared to never speak with them.
If they refuse to accept or respect you and your partner, then you'll have to decide whether you want or need to take a stand. That's a decision that nobody can make for you. Personally, I would, but that's just me. My partner is an important part of my life. Anyone who refuses to respect that, and respect him, is denigrating me, as well. Either my partner is welcome, fully acknowledged as my partner, or I will not attend.
Again, if you decide to take this stand, you will have to be prepared for the consequences, including the consequences of never seeing that relative again. For some, this decision is easier than it is for others.
Be firm, don't give in to manipulation or attempts to lay a guilt trip on you, don't argue or defend your stand. Just lay it on the line and hold your ground, keeping your head held high.
Life is too short to spend time or energy on people who bring you down. Choose instead to surround yourself with people who love and accept you just as you are.
OP must have decided he wanted to get piled on at DL today. Fun!
Thanks, r37. I appreciate what you wrote very much.
So, OP, you hate these people (your partner's family members) based on their clothing, their home decor, and the fact that they have a different lifestyle and enjoy different TV shows than you do. I congratulate you on your utter shallowness.
Read between the lines:
I want to fuck my brother-in-law and he won't give me the time of day!
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R42. Yes, that's some e-caca...
Why did this get bumped?
"I was the second child and had three younger siblings"
I think OP meant "I am the second of five children." At least that's what I got from it.
I love my dad, and we talk some, but I've never been to his house in the 8 years he's been married to my stepmother. They invite me, but he never acknowledges my BF, even though he has met him 3 times over the years. Never even asked why I had a different address all of a sudden when I broke up with my last BF after living together for several years. We talk about the weather, my job, my car, other relatives, but never about my personal life. He tells me he loves me, sends me money, birthday cards, etc., ..but has made it clear he doesn't approve of my "lifestyle choice." Southern Baptist, natch.
He was so loving and accepting when I came out years ago, but he went back to church and then things changed. I am close to my brother; he even stays with me and the BF when he visits. He goes to my dads house, with his THIRD wife, who he lived IN SIN with, but that was okay i guess since it's heterosexual.
Luckily my BF has the most wonderful parents who have taken me in and made me a part of their family. I know, get a blog! I decided a long time ago I can't change him. I know some people have it worse, some have it better.
Maybe he wears pleated pants because he's major sizemeat and flat-front just won't do... why don't you find out? That would certainly make him more tolerable.
[He goes to my dads house, with his THIRD wife, who he lived IN SIN with, but that was okay i guess since it's heterosexual. ]
Now see, that really is a LIFESTYLE CHOICE. Maybe point that out to him.
It's pretty obvious that OP never really hated some guy who's approval he craved.
[quote]It's pretty obvious that OP never really hated some guy who's approval he craved.
It's pretty obvious you don't know what an apostrophe is for, r49.
Whose approval he craved. Will that help you sleep better tonight, R50?
[quote]I honestly cannot stand them, and GUESS WHERE WE'RE SPENDING EASTER?
You're a fucking pussy, OP. If you don't want to go, just say no! Got it? Have you no balls?
How long does it take you to get the crease so crisp down the front of your pants, you torturer?