"Why is it always so cold in movie theaters?"
"What do you do with used banana peels?"
I hate it when my socks bunch up when I slip on my shoes.
Do you think Queen Elizabeth II poops and if so does a footman wipe for her?
"Can black people get sunburned?"
"Does the Walmart brand of peanut butter, taste the same as Jif?"
All I did was ask my supervisor what brand of tampon she uses and and now she's written me up!
I was lighting farts with a match at work and someone reported me. I'm furious because I was not doing it on work time, but during my break in the staff lunch room.
I wanted the day off but have already used up all my sick time for the year. So I called in a bomb threat hoping they'd shut down the university. Campus security just called me down to their office. Do you think I'm going to get in trouble?
Why is it so hard to fold a fitted sheet?
I caught Margo's dog trying to hump Tammy. Should I kick them both out ???
R4 has me in stitches.
I hate it when the snow blows sideways, instead of falling straight down.
Funny, I never realized until THIS thread how much G/R/Umpy sounds like Andy Rooney.
If you cut a Jew, does he bleed?
Why can't I use a real mouse with my computer?
In an attempt to imitate DL's insouciant bitchiness, I'll crap on "breast cancer whores."
Oh wait, I actually did that.
I don't always get along with my supervisor, who is a black woman. I thought I'd loosen her up a bit with the remark that Michele Obama should have a crunchy abortion. She just called me to her office. Do you think I'm about to get promoted?
Most of these are too benign. There's an edge of anger and entitlement in Umpy's posts that goes beyond the loveable codger persona.
I have often wondered what kind of person Umpy is in real life. How he comes off from his threads is just too exaggerated, in my opinion, to be a real person.
I'm desperate to know what a "crunchy abortion" is. Is it a new cereal?
If Umpy has ever gotten laid, I would be surprised.
I'm furious with the elderly patients on oxygen using their walkers in my local clinic. Their slow movement through the corridors interferes with me racing through them when I'm late meeting my GP to talk about my hemorrhoids.
I just got fired from my job. Now that I'm at home during the day, I think my cat hates me.
Umpy gets a lot of shit here but he seems harmless and posts random questions or thoughts which I sometimes laugh at. At least it gets the board moving.
R11 just destroyed me!
You are being naive, r19. Umpy is a bigot.
I gave my roommate a Weight Watchers membership for her birthday and now she's pissed off at me. I was only trying to give her something she needs. Should I make it up to her by getting her deodorant or new underpants?
Best thread in a long time! I am laughing too hard. I think I'll go have a big bowl of Crunchy Abortion and milk!
There's something about African-American women's luscious breasts that I think is so sensual and life-affirming. But I said this to my black co-worker and for some reason she filed a complaint with HR.
Would some kind soul explain the "crunchy abortion?"
Do Asian women prefer men with small penises since, historically, that's what they're used to?
Anything I've purchased in the refrigerator is clearly labeled, but I think my roommate has been using some of the condiments. Should I develop a pricing scheme so she can just pay me for the items she's used come rent time?
A co-worker just returned from maternity leave. She had triplets, so I asked her if it will take three times as long for her vagina to heal. She's not speaking to me, but I've heard she plans on going to HR to file a complaint.
e27 I read that article this a.m. and the subject matter and faux naivety of it reminded me of a presumably fat, supposedly real, known troll.
LOL @ R28
What kind of sanitary napkins do Jewish women buy? Is it the same kind black women buy?
Also: Would you hire someone that wore ugly clothes and had bad breath? I come to work on time.
Was Ignatius Reilly a sympathetic character?
Mother says no more truck stop friends at holiday meals; they just bring back the scabies.
I'm modifying my mobility scooter with magazine cut-outs of strong black women - from National Geographic Africa pictorials. How do you get glue out of your hair?
Tammy is afraid of the scooter since I've rolled over her tail in the kitchen twice. How do you repair a refrigerator door?
I'm out of cat food, so I'm feeding Tammy gold fish crackers. She's been leaving poopies on my head as I sleep for the last two nights.
Three of my nipples hang to the right.
I resent cashiers taking my money for groceries. They should be free.
Would my roommate's vacuum wand attachment make me poo more efficiently?
What causes ear wax?
I am in tears.
What's the difference between salted and unsalted butter?
I've never understood the salted and unsalted butter. Can you tell the difference and is it ok to put salted butter in sweet food?
Jesus fuck he's become a parody of himself.
I have a 'friend' who is also confused about butter and can't use a mouse..
What are lipstick lesbians called when they run out of the house without their lipstick on?
Tammy's and my roommate's periods are in sync.
If you crap your pants at the DMV during the driving portion of the test, shouldn't the testing clerk just give you a passing grade?
Did anyone here ever get straight 'A's because their roommate in college committed suicide?
What do you call the stuff in between your toes - I asked everyone at my old job, but no one seemed to know. They didn't want to seem to answer the question. Even when I asked them twice.
Does Marky Mark really have a third nipple? has anyone seen it?
Since you asked, I googled it.
The difference between salted and unsalted butter is that salt is a preservative, and therefore salted butter lasts for months longer than unsalted. When you want the freshest butter, buy unsalted. Salted butter at the grocer is frequently not as fresh or as high quality, the salt hides it.
If you are baking or cooking, different butter brands have different amounts of salt. Most recipes call for unsalted butter, so you don't accidentally oversalt.
Hope things are going well with Margot, Umpy.
How do you steam a ham? Do you put it in a collander over a pot of water? Could you use an iron?
Tammy has vag odor. Do they make feminine douches for tiny, smelly, hairy vaginas?
Should I try the Italian market?
I have a job interview for a greeter at Walmart. Would it be okay if I wear flip-flops, tank top, and cargo shorts to the interview? I want to stand out from the others who are applying for the job.
Othello, who is a Moor but I think he's just black, says "Send for the man." Does this mean that Shakespeare invented ebonics? Blacks take credit for it, but maybe it was really Shakespeare. I guess Shakespeare was really ahead of his time and was aware of how blacks complain about white persecution from "the man." And how does ebonics differ from jive?
Was Cleopatra also black? Shakespeare didn't seem to think that but blacks claim her. Shakespeare is usually right about things. He got Jews just right.
Why did the chicken cross the road? No. I mean really. Why?
Why are rabbit eggs only sold at Easter time? Why can't we buy them at other times of the year? I like the colors on the egg shelf in my refrigerator.
What if one put (unsalted) butter on a mouse? What could one do with it then?
I found a FlowBee in the trash and now Tammy and I have haircuts!
I wanted to give her a lion cut, but I only managed to give her an inverse mohawk.
Does Lysol work as a wound antiseptic?
While my roommate was out, I sneaked in her room and started looking at her computer. I discovered she has a handgun on order and has bookmarked sites telling how some killers disposed of bodies. Should I be worried?
Dental Floss: why don't restaurants provide dental floss dispensers atthe table alongside the napkins and salt? Who wants to look at person across from them with juicy chunks of food stuck in their teeth. Have you been to a restaurant with a dental floss dispensary? Also, how easy is it to floss a cat's teeth?
This thread just highlighted the fact that Umpy is basically Jerry Seinfeld with Asperger's.
[quote]I'm desperate to know what a "crunchy abortion" is. Is it a new cereal?
A "Crunchy abortion" is a late term abortion , when the fetuses cartilaginous tissue have already begun to calcify ( or harden ) into bones... hence the "crunchiness".
It was terrible of Michelle Obama to do that even if it was another girl.
He's like the love child of Ralph Wiggum and David Duke.
Why do some Mexicans and Indians insist on wearing cowboy hats? Don't they see the irony?
Very funny thread.
Re: banana peels -- no kidding, you're supposed to bury them next to your rose bushes, it keeps aphids away. I think I read this in Organic Gardening mag years ago.
If a woman gives birth on a plane that is flying over the ocean, what is considered the baby's place of birth? The point of departure, the point of departure, or just the name of the ocean?
Help! I have beans up my nose again and no health insurance!
Why don't vegan restaurants have menu items for people who might eat meat? I'm tolerant of others' dietary restrictions, but I find it very rude to chastise a customer who simply expresses his preference for "pork instead of tofu."
Did Anne Frank poop? I keep asking the Jews in my workplace and they give me strange looks.
Lipton Tea made especially for iced tea...
Can I use it for hot?
When Henry Ford stopped making Model T's why did he call the next model the Model A? A comes before T in the alphabet. Shouldn't he have called the new design the Model U?
They should make gas toaster ovens. The electric kind don't cook my English muffins evenly.
I keep my toe-jam in a small jar. Should I keep it in the fridge or is it better to keep it at room temp?
WHET White Belt Man?
Why do ATMs only dispense cash in multiples of 20 dollars nowadays? That ain't right.
How come lace up shoes on display in stores and catalogs are never shown with the laces tied in a bow so you can see how they look tied? The laces are always unrealistically tucked into the shoes and are almost always threaded in that weird straight across way that doesn't really represent how the shoe is supposed to look.
Sometimes I want to contribute a funny remark to a thread or occasionaly a real-life conversation but I just can't think of anything funny or I can but its also inappropriate. Is anyone else familiar with this situation? How can one selve this problem. T.I.A.
I'm the same way R77. Just contribute anyway like I do. Someone might just find what you wrote funny. If not, no one knows who you are!
And don't worry about being inappropriate on here. Sure, you'll probably get scolded by someone, but it will make you tougher and in turn give you more confidence.
Practice on here and see what gets the responses.
and just be yourself
Why do they still call it New York? It's not new anymore. Why don't they call it Old York or just York?
"How does David Furnish sleep with Elton John?"
"Lady Gaga is a goddess"
"If memory and emotions may be inherited through cells, does a hamburger scream when you bite into it?"
How do you tell the difference between a queef and a fart? Recently, the lady in the cubicle beside mine lost her balance as she was sitting down. As she brusquely landed into her chair, she emitted what I initially imagined to be a fart. However, now I'm wondering if it might have actually been one of those queefs I've been reading about. How can I be sure? Does a queef smell like a fart with ichthyological highlights? I don't recall detecting any odor at all. Also, does a queef provide the same sense of relief to the vaginal canal as a fart does to the colon?
Recently, a co-worker told me I was racist for giving her a jar of skin-lightening cream for Christmas. I told her that I meant no offense -- it was just my understanding that among black women, the standard of beauty favored a lighter skin color, and since she was black as burnt toast, I thought she might appreciate it. She told me to get out of her face, and now I've been summoned to HR. Am I going to be in trouble?
The kead in Ting tang looks like a prettier Gaga
Why do people pronounce Cheyene as shy-ann? It's chee-i-nee.
Why do they call it State of the Union? What about Confederate States?
I'm boring, jobless, and unhappy. Explain why foreign people are so inferior to me! Or tell me a night-night story!
Why do farts smell like matches?
My cat pooped two quarters! What should I do?
(R78 try and keep up. R77 was doing an Umpy.)
I think Tammy's starting to talk. Her meow this morning sounded like she was saying mucous. Maybe she's getting a cold. Should I be worried?
The woman at the employment office said I should apply for a job as a greeter at Walmart. Should I be insulted at such a suggestion?
If my head were veal, how much would it weigh?
I know Tammy's mouth is cleaner than mine, at least that is what I read. Should I be worried that I might make her sick if if I continue to let her lick my tongue every night before bed?
My roommate has a yeast infection. Do you think she can bake some bread?
I don't feel she's contributing to the house enough, as she's only cleaning the entire place and washing my clothes. I think she should start baking as well.
My cat's breath smells like cat food!
My roommate said she'll put my name in her will if I'll do the same for her. She wants me to leave her the house in my will. Should I be concerned?
If you were a hotdog and you were starving to death would you eat yourself?
I can't stop smelling my own farts and assigning them a rating from 1 to 10 based on intensity of smell and length of odor. Would you like to see a graph of my fart ratings?
I wrote to Donald Trump to let him know of my fame at Datalounge. I want him to pick me to be on the next Celebrity Apprentice.
LOL at some of these.
Tammy bit me pretty hard when I tried to play Pretend Bungee Jump with her. I found some antibiotic ointment from 1993, will it still work halfway? The tube is kind of covered in rusty stuff.
I met a Jewish lady today except, really strange, she had a normal nose. Do you think she tips generous or cheap in restaurants?
Why do parents snip the umbilical cords off of their babies' stomachs? It makes me furious. I will tell people exactly what I think of them when I hear they have mutilated the defenseless epidermis of their babies. I've lost many friends over this, but I don't care.
I'm thinking of dying Tammy's fur black. Will she still like the Taylor Swift songs I play, or will she immediately prefer hip-hop?
I saw some old pictures of Boy George. Do you think he's bisexual or straight.
My colleague insists on wearing a head scarf to work. She's African American, reminds me of a stern looking Maya Angelou. I asked her "Why do you insist on wearing that head scarf? Is it because you've got that 'funny' hair?"
Her eyes welled up as she briskly turned and walked away from me. It turns out she's had chemotherapy.
I've just been called to the HR department. Do you think my promotion's in jeopardy?
How many of you have tried to murder someone ? I secretly put rat poison in my co-worker's coffee mug yesterday because she had her baby circumcised, but she didn't drink it.
Clit piercings. Why aren't they called Queen Victorias?
Why isn't the Presidnet flying the White House flag at half staff for Whitney Houston?
Why are they calling Whitney Houston the Queen of Poop?
Judy Garland died at 47.
Whitney Houston died at 48.
There is a city called Garland, Texas.
There is a city called Houston, Texas.
how long has it been since Umpy has posted?
WEHT Umpy and Tammy?
Why do people get tattoos
I don't think R59 made that up. That sounds like it was cut and pasted from a real Umpy thread.
Doesn't anyone care that Umpy doesn't post anymore?
What happened to him and Tammy?
I don't care
I've wondered where he is, r115. Maybe banned for a period again?
This is Umpy. I'm banned from starting threads, but I can respond. I miss you people and being banned has really affected my quality of life. When I could start threads, someone would always talk to me. Margo (busybody) still lives with me and Tammy is fine.
I find myself listening to old Howard Stern clips on YouTube because I'm so lonely. Artie tells the best stories and I have a tremendous crush on him.
I miss Umpy too
Love you Grumpy. Stay well.
These responses are all hysterically funny!
Why do people at Facebook keep deleting my picture?
Awww Umpy we have missed you. Even if you are banned from starting threads. Still go ahead and post. Someone will talk to you.
Glad Tammy is ok.
I'm glad somebody here told me not to let Tammy get fat because she was getting tubby, but I put her on a diet. Just a small reduction in her evening meal. And she has lost weight and is more playful.
That's cool. My old dog lost weight and is moving like a limber thing now.
Tammy keeps following me into the bathroom. Do you think she may be getting kinky in her old age?
Do black people go to tanning booths?
Where is the real Umpy?
Didn't he get sentenced for a few months? Something about a package he left on an elevator in a college.
Do people with pet fish ever take them on "walks" like to neighborhood fountains on fish leashes?
Can the super morbidly obese wipe or masturbate? Is there anything to masturbate?
Why did the woman on the bus get so upset when I wiped my nose on her shoulder? Would she have rathered I just let it run?
lots of umpy posts tonight
Man, this thread made me laugh until I cried and went into conniptions.
I think he's the OP of: Today I said "Jew her (saleslady) down" in front of a Jewish acquaintance
Why do I have to diet? I should be able to eat as much high-fat meat as I want and never exercise. So what if I'm in my 60's and over 400 lbs. If Obama gets reelected then I'll get free medical care. They'll help me lose the weight. Oh and I'm a REAL Man. I can drink a whole bottle of vodka a day. Except I had to sell my car to make my trailer payment.
Umpy come out.
Umpy is performing during half-time of the Super Bowl
If there was EVER an old thread that I applaud being bumped up, this is SO it.
Is it true that the stadium lights went out when Beyonce plugged in her cellphone to recharge it?
Jews don't celebrate Easter, so why would one take today off...
Bumped re: recent comparisons to a certain new poster....
I don't understand the people here in Texas. I wanted to learn about Texas history so I went to the Alamo. When I told the lady that I want to see the basement of the Alamo, she told me to get out. Maybe I should move back to the house I bought last year instead of staying in Texas.
Is Umpy banned or did he just give up his Umpy schtick?
There's some funny Umpy in this thread.
I dumpted a bottle of Stoli on the patio to be part of the boycott. A few minutes later I looked out and saw that Tammy had lapped it all up. She can't walk straight and she's snarling at me. What should I do?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse use the carpool lane?
What is Satan's last name? Is there a Mrs. Satan?
Why are cookies called "cookies"? Shouldn't they be called "bakies"?
Why does my mom's basement always smell so musty?
Is 2lbs of feathers lighter than 1lb of steel?
I want to get a coat made from pelts of cats so that I'll match Tammy when I take her out. I hope there are no PETA people around. They really get pissed about fur coats.
I'm still alive. Texas sucks, but I'm too poor to move. I tried to get into a clinical trial that pays $5500, but I was too fat. Tammy is great, not as spastic as before. I'm glad she finally settled down. I miss being able to post as "Umpy" and I feel like some of you people were my friends.
Glad you're back posting, Grumpy!
Two weeks ago I was stopped for going through an orange light. Since I still have an out of state license, they gave mre 30 days to get a Texas drivers license. To get that, I have to provide my birth certificate. I've asked my mother to send it nearly every day but she always has an excuse for not doing that. I'm wondering if she's hiding something from me. If I don't get it soon, I'll have to leave Texas or go to jail.
Is carbonated water less hydrating than regular water? I think it is because some of the space that should be water is taken up by carbon dioxide. Sparkling water stings my tongue. Why do the Jews like it so much?
A lot of people have captured Umpy. Some of these sound as if he has returned to DL.
Don'tyou all love me, oh I mean Roger Octopus, oh by the way, he's not me.