It's a sad inevitability. No matter how hard you try, how accurately you plan, how much you control what you eat, it's going to happen at some point: you will have to poop at work. It's where the biological meets the professional and it's always, pardon the expression, a shit show. Let's try to make it easier, shall we?
As the children's book tells us, everyone poops, and everyone has to work, but while we have to work together it doesn't mean we have to poop together, or at least acknowledge that we are all pooping in the same place. It's the great unspoken occurrence of the workplace (unless your office has some crazy rogue nasty pooper or something). So, here are some easy rules to follow so you can drop the deuce without ruining your professional reputation.
Know the Topography
Every office is different in how the toilets are set up, so you have to know the positives and negatives of each set up. If your office has one-man units that's good in terms of privacy but it's hard to escape any blame for noxious fumes. If your bathroom has multiple stalls it's easy to blame the stink on a coworker, but you have to deal with everyone seeing your business. If you work in a restaurant or somewhere the employees use the same facilities as the customers, you have to go without anyone seeing you entering or exiting and possibly ruining your tip. The more you know about the lay of the land, the easier it will be to plan a thorough strategy.
Know the Shitting Toilet
Every bathroom has one, the one bowl that is reserved for dumps. Whether that's the stall in the corner, the bathroom farthest from the desks or what have you, it is the unspoken shitting toilet. Use it. Always. It's like "goal" in a game of tag. No one can judge you if you're in the right place.
Double Check the Door
Make sure it is locked. Twice! If it's not, you are headed for a career-destroying disaster.
Get Out of Dodge
A few years ago I had the luxury of living only two blocks from my office, so when the need arose I could escape to my apartment. While this is rare, there might be a Starbucks or McDonald's or hotel lobby (always the fanciest toilets around) where you can escape. Sure, the throne is probably totally nasty and filled with a million cooties, but at least you'll have some anonymity. If a third-party toilet is unavailable, perhaps go to another floor of the building or another department and sully their restroom. Crop dust that asshole Bob in accounting on your way. That guy is a dick.
Drop the Book
If someone sees you walking around your workplace carrying a book or a magazine and you don't work at Barnes & Noble, then they know where you're going and your cover is blown, you dirty office shitter. No reading material in the bathroom. And if you're dumb enough to disobey this rule, certainly don't leave your newspaper lying all over the stall. People will just resent having to clean up your mess. And certainly don't leave a half-done crossword lying around. Then people will think you're stupid on top of gross. Everyone these days has a phone, so look at that and put it back in your pocket. Hell, you can even send some emails so if a bomb goes off you have a time-stamped alibi.
I decided to put this in business terms to make it more euphemistic. What I really mean is don't sit your ass in there for like 30 minutes. You may be one of those people who likes to take your sweet time at home chilling your ass over the bowl for as long as you want, but this is work. Not only do you have shit to do (pun definitely intended) but the longer you linger, the longer the chance that you're going to get caught and embarrassed. So get in, get out, and get back to your desk and leave the leisurely loaves for Saturdays. (cont)
Know What to Expect
I don't want to be crude, but you have to know when your shit is going to stink. Everyone's does. Fact of life, fact of nature. Get over it. But sometimes it's just vaguely unpleasant and sometimes it's a nose-pinching, face-contorting, hand-waving Stink-O-Rama. Based on your digestive situation and what you've been eating for the past 24 hours (pistachios, amirite), you should know which one it's going to be. If it's the former, go to the usual washroom. If it's one of the latter, maybe you should see about finding somewhere else (see above) to spill that toxic waste.
They're free just about everywhere, easily slipped into a purse or pocket for emergencies, and completely effective for disguising what smells like an elephant's corpse rotting in the gutter. Sure, people are still going to know you unleashed a turd, but they'd rather smell that vaguely ashy and sulfuric aftersmell than the stench of your Second-Day Curry.
If you get into a stall, there is no talking to anyone on the outside, unless you have an Elaine-esque toilet paper emergency. It doesn't matter if you enter the space with a coworker in the midst of conversation, as soon as you cross that threshold you need to shut the fuck up. If it's that important, pause before the bathroom door and finish up before heading in. No talking in the group toilet. Period. And this includes grunting while you take a crap. That's just fucking disgusting.
Time the Traffic
If you're in a communal bathroom, try your best to get some alone time. This might be impossible based on the size of your office and the busyness of your bathroom. Make sure there is no one around for the noisiest and most evident part of your business. That's just common courtesy. That might mean holding it back for a bit if someone else interrupts. That's fine. They may know why you're in there, but proving them right is unsavory at best. If you enter the bathroom and realize someone is mid-turd, head to the sink, wash your hands, and leave. Let them finish in peace. You'd be thankful if someone did that for you.
Destroy the Evidence
With some matches and a bit of subterfuge, you can make it appear like you haven't used the toilet at all. That's what everyone wants, to be able to completely ignore the fact that we all have to shit in a communal space. However, that becomes impossible if you leave things behind that destroy that delusion. That includes a streaky bowl. You know what I'm talking about. In the immortal words of Aunt Sassy on The Comeback, "I don't need to see that!" Flush the toilet a few times and get the water to erase away your mark of Cain before exiting.
If you run into someone going into the bathroom while you're leaving it and you just did something foul in there, you have to warn them%E2%80%94especially if it's a one man unit. However, you can not tell the truth. Ever. Use the old, "There's no toilet paper in there," ruse. That's a good one. Or the, "The guy before me clogged it." Everyone knows it's a lie, but that's OK. This is all about keeping up pretenses and maintaining the truth. When it comes to office pooping, conscientious denial is the name of the game.
Wash Your Hands
What are you, a fucking animal?
LOVE it! Thanks OP. I''m insanely embarrassed about pooping, even at home I hate my BF knowing when I''m going.%0D\
I have to go at work at least once per day, my body''s just on a schedule. While I know all of these shit rules anyway, it''s good to see them spelled out for everyone else.
This is just a retread of a hoary forwarded-email favorite.
I hate shitting in public. But then, I''m obese, so it''s hard for me to get comfortably clean if I''m not at home, where I can either:\
A) lay on my side on the bed for better access (yes, this is what fat people really have to do); \
B) hang my ass over the side of the tub and use the handheld shower-sprayer thing to get clean (much easier, quicker, more comfortable, less mess, and saves me $ on TP and baby wipes).
You sound pathetic R4. And disgusting.
Jesus Christ r4, what a fucking life.
And queue the nasty hatefulness of people of size in 5...4.....\
Meanwhile: Pooping at work is awesome. Because who doesn''t want to be paid to poop?
Wow R4. \
I always wondered what those really grotesquely obese people do who never leave the couch for like 5 years. Do they wear diapers? Sheets? The must eliminate somehow, right?
Tonight I''m going to run off multiple copies (on the company copier of course) and tape one to the back of EVERY stall door in this building.
[quote]the nasty hatefulness of people of size %0D\
LOL! Who knew we had one of THOSE lurking here.%0D\
That idea rocks R9. But otherwise WTF, another poop thread?
There are few things I hate worse in life than having to take a dump in a public restroom, and work counts as a public restroom. I''m lucky at work, however, because two floors above mine there''s a floor that''s less than half occupancy (thanks to this economy) so when I feel the need to drop a deuce, I go to the men''s room up there because it''s always empty. I would never deuce it up in the men''s room on my floor, because it''s constant traffic all day. %0D\
What I love are the nasty straight guys I work with who bring reading material (sometimes work-related documents other people have to handle) into the shitter with them. So low-class and vile.
With a proper diet, one should NEVER have to crap in a public restroom. ....I haven''t done so in over ten years. I never eat fast food, or overly processed food. I have a bowel movement within the first hour I''m awake, which means I can shower after I''ve done so. I never have to leave the hou.se with residue on my ass. I don''t know how anyone can walk around not having showered after a BM
Lol. I''ve been at my current job for just over 2 months. There are 2 male stalls between about 20 men. That ratio is fucked up. I will NOT take a dump there.
Oh, smell you, r14.
[quote]If someone sees you walking around your workplace carrying a book or a magazine and you don''t work at Barnes & Noble, then they know where you''re going and your cover is blown\
What, no iPhone?
Wow, anther reason why not working is such a great thing.
[quote]I have to go at work at least once per day, my body''s just on a schedule.\
How do you have time to shit AT work everyday?\
The only time I have to take a dump at work is when Im sick, and that is very rare. And if thats the case I leave for the day so I go on my own throne.
I don''t know about you, but I''d like to beat the shit out of r14.
What''s with the pistachios reference?
"You can jump rope in the bathroom."
[quote]How do you have time to shit AT work everyday?%0D\
Start your day off with high fiber and before 5 p.m. you''ll have to poop at work.
[quote]people of size\
Hee hee! Hey, are you that chick from Shakesville?\
[quote]I will never be not fat. To get rid of my fat body, you have got to get rid of me.\
[quote]Fat people are not only tasked with finding individual solutions to systemic problems; they are, in many cases, asked to somehow overcome their very physiologies and make their bodies do things that they are simply unable to do. We are literally asked to be people we are not. That is eliminationist. Plain and simple.
[quote]How do you have time to shit AT work everyday?\
Well we can''t rehearsh all the time!
"Eliminationist" = someone with a special strategy for pooping at work.
More poop stories at work, please.
I''ll bet [R14] is a lot of fun to hang out with, assuming he''s already had his daily bowel movement.
If you work in a super large company, just go to the other side of the building.
Oh for Christ''s sake. If I have to go while I''m at work, I go. It''s a damn toilet, not somebody''s living room. I wash up, spray some spray, and leave the fan on. \
I do try, however, not to have to go while I''m at someone else''s house.
I''ve also been known to warn next in line to wait a few minutes
R30, you are crass. Bosses will never promote you if they know you have bodily functions.
There''s always Femme-fresh spray.
[quote]f someone sees you walking around your workplace carrying a book or a magazine and you don''t work at Barnes & Noble, then they know where you''re going and your cover is blown, you dirty office shitter. No reading material in the bathroom. \
OK I have a question. I am not a scat troll so please be kind and don''t get too graphic but what the fuck is up with reading material? I see the joke of a guy tucking a paper under his arm and heading for the bathroom BUT why? I am, and have always been in and out in 60 seconds. I have to go and I do, what the hell is happening that you have to read something?
[[see offsite link on shakespearessister.blogspot.com]\
She doesn''t make much of a convincing argument with her vague arguments.
[quote]With a proper diet, one should NEVER have to crap in a public restroom. ....I haven''t done so in over ten years. I never eat fast food, or overly processed food. I have a bowel movement within the first hour I''m awake, which means I can shower after I''ve done so. I never have to leave the hou.se with residue on my ass. I don''t know how anyone can walk around not having showered after a BM\
Just a guess but you''re rimming top?
And again we have a visit from the "Smell you!" troll.\
I love that we have five year olds posting at DL.
I''m with R33. I''ve never understood the need for reading material. I need to go, I go. It is not a long drawn out process.
Over and Out
[quote]so I never have to leave the house with residue on my ass%0D\
guess what Princess? you''re not as clean down there as you think you are.
It''s only a long drawn out process if a) you had some type of colon blow fast food for lunch, or b) you eat a very unhealthy, low-fiber diet, or c) you have some disease.
That''s all I''ve got to say.
I work in an office park. I usually take a little stroll over to another building and do the deed.
That article forgot the mention the all important courtesy flush. You should flush as soon as your shit hits the water. That will greatly reduce the smell in the room. Letting it linger in the bowl makes the whole room stink a lot worse. Do a couple more flushes after you wipe (bring wet wipes to work, people--they are a must). Light a match, wash up and you will have minimal after effect.
All you people wandering over to the hinterlands to do your business, don''t you think everyone knows what you''re doing? You never show your face on the 3rd fl of Bldg C except to use the bathrooms.
What a disgusting, horrid article. Yet another indicator of just what a hideous cesspool of classless, bottom-feeding assholery America has become. %0D\
Also, if someone enters the restroom while you are, uh, "busy", a quiet little cough or throat-clearing warns them of your presence. %0D\
It doesn''t get much worse than being caught mid-stream at the urinal while somebody drops a stinkbomb.%0D\
Not to mention: maintain your distance. If there are 3 or more stalls, do NOT take the one right next to someone else who is "busy"!
R43, all the buildings in this office complex have huge lobbies, with toilet facilities for visitors on the ground floor. It''s the nearest thing to a private toilet. %0D\
I don''t use the one in my own building because it''s always occupied by people from OTHER buildings. Which is how I got the idea in the first place.
Count me as another person who doesn''t get the reading materials in the bathroom. This reminds me of a female who posted on a thread a few years ago about how her boss would go into the men''s room with business papers, and she KNEW that some of those would end up in other peoples'' hands. It grossed her out, and I totally agree. There was another post (I think it might have been one of the earlier "freaks you work with" threads) where someone brought cupcakes with sprinkles into work, and a guy went into a stall later that day, and there were cupcake sprinkles on the floor, indicating someone had gone in to take a shit and had eaten one of the cupcakes on the crapper. How disgusting.
How do you poop if you have a bf, especially in the beginning of the relationship? I would be horrified if he heard or smelled something.
Helpful hint for those who are poop-shy: if it''s because you''re worried about sounds (theirs or yours), just plug your ears with your fingers and wiggle them around a little bit, enough to make some noise happen. You won''t hear a thing, and if you''re like me, you will nearly forget other people are in there.
Always leave the floor you work on.\
R48 - SEPARATE BATHROOMS, preferably on different floors. If you can''t afford a house or apartment with 2 bathrooms, then you can''t afford to have a bf.
BF/BM Economics 101
At a law firm I used to work at, one of the partners would bring a brief with him to the toilet so he could bill his time for taking a shit or standing at the urinal.
My favorite new troll... by far... is The Troll Who Throws a Hissy Fit When Other People Post "Smell You!" That just kills me.
[quote]What a disgusting, horrid article. Yet another indicator of just what a hideous [bold]cesspool[/bold] of classless, bottom-feeding [bold]assholery[/bold] America has become. \
Think about what you typed. You''re complaining about people writing about poop by yourself using extended poop imagery.
Smell you! (variation: Well smell you, Princess!) is a DL tradition.
This is one of the funniest threads I''[ve red in a LONG time. Keep the comments comin'', girls!
I LOVE Poop Jokes
Who''s schmelling who?
[quote]How do you poop if you have a bf, especially in the beginning of the relationship? I would be horrified if he heard or smelled something.%0D\
With maturity perhaps? I can understand that during the early dating stages you may wish to avoid pooping near each other, but once you''re really "BF"s with each other, it seems that there should be a moment where you both realize that the other is indeed human, and to not be uptight about bowel movements.
[quote]How do you poop if you have a bf, especially in the beginning of the relationship? I would be horrified if he heard or smelled something.\
I solved this, and the pooping at work problem, by having my rectum permanently sealed.
[quote]If you can''t afford a house or apartment with 2 bathrooms, then you can''t afford to have a bf.%0D\
Hopefully, if we and the rest of humanity are lucky, a house will get dropped on you.
[R48], if you can''t be real with your bf in that way, then he''s just a one night stand who hasn''t left yet.
[quote]I am, and have always been in and out in 60 seconds. I have to go and I do, what the hell is happening that you have to read something?\
It''s my "me" time.
why don''t they just crap in the sink?
Taylor Danielle-Marie Vakser
[quote]I am, and have always been in and out in 60 seconds.\
You [italic]time[/italic] yourself each time???
R60 you obviously have no sense of humor. What''s the matter, got a gerbil up your ass?
Everybody POOPS sometimes...
I once had the misfortune of entering the restroom just after Shaquille O''Neal had come out of it.%0D\
I thought he must have left behind a rotting moose. %0D\
I had to get out without taking care of business as the stench had me choking and retching.%0D\
I don''t want to know what a guy that big leaves behind ~~~~
[quote]You time yourself each time???\
Wow, really? You have no sense of time?
Please. I worked my way through college as a janitor in an all-male factory. Don't try to tell me anything about people's "habits." I have cleaned 10 men's rooms the day after the annual union chili bash. And by "cleaned the men's rooms" I mean I had to use a mop with cleanser on a ladder to get the shit off the ceilings.
And after school I worked years in top-tier university research offices with international teams. What those people eat and what they do in the toilet you would not believe. Wash hands? Try not using toilet paper. And if that rotten fish/cabbage/fermented soy the disgusting Chinese guy was eating at midnight (It was assumed we would be working 20 hours a day.) smelled like that going in, you know they should have been evacuating the entire fucking campus at 10 a.m. when he blew the gaskets off four floors of plumbing under his fat dirty yellow ass. No fucking wonder they invented fireworks and gunpowder.
Now I own my own company. I have my own restroom, and no one uses it unless I know about it, because there are only two keys, and only one is at the office. I've had enough of the Alimentary Love Canals of my coworkers for a life time, because I have done my time.
If you all can't take the fact that people happen to shit, sorry for your compunctions. As for me, my experiences have left me with PTSD. I know some of the things I saw in my career were capable of independent motion and could not be flushed because of willful resistance.
3-4 times in the morning before I leave home. Rarely if ever need to go at work.
[R70] 3 to 4 TIMES? That''s not normal.
It''s amazing how horrified most people are by their own bodies. People shit, big deal. I''ve worked in a large law office for about ten years now. About two months after I started here a memo went around about the deplorable state of the women''s toilets. It requested the women of the office comply with a list of bullet points, which included not wiping nasal discharge on the wall, not writing graffiti, and not leaving TP all over the floor. For the next few months all I could think was ''which one of you slick corporate bitches is the filthy fucker wiping boogers on the walls?''
Awesomely informative post! I D-R-E-A-D having to shit at work but, alas, sometimes you just gotta go. In the bathroom I always use, there are three stalls. At times I''m fortunate enough to be the only one in there, but at other times...not so lucky. I HATE it when I''m alone in there, and someone comes in and, instead of taking the stall at the far end, they take the one right next to me. As for timing, I''m really good at managing to exit the stall when there''s no one in bathroom with me, and if there is someone else in there, they''re in a stall already.
I wish someone would come in. I''m waiting to tap....
I''ve known a few people who say they wait until they get home to poop as they do not poop at work. I don''t understand that at all. If you have to poop you have to poop. Holding it in is uncomfortable.%0D\
I also don''t understand the long drawn out poops. By the time you''re an adult you know what it feels like when your poop is ready to go. The only thing that makes it drawn out is bad food or diet.%0D\
Sometimes I''ll go sit on the toilet just to fart.
This is so funny! All the details on taking a dump discreetly yet having all your planning made usless by....the architect.%0D
I was in charge of the remodeling of our late modern building into an office. Quite a beautiful building, but the bathrooms were gutted. Here comes Mr. personality, the architect with his designs. Obviously unaware of the mecahnics and social stigma attached to taking a crap. %0D
First the employee bathrooms. Oh what a design! The walls will be frosted polycarbonite over the metal studs, ceiling to floor. Then, a ceiling to floor herculite door...clear glass...right into the bathroom. Oh, no noise dampening. Tile. All of it.%0D
Next the guest bathrooms for the clients. Take a half circle in plan view. Then split it down the middle with a narrow hall. The hall walls...herculite again. Doors, herculite. The curved walls, frosted polycarbonite. The glass was frosted, and there was only one toilet in each. The gap in the herculite was big. %0D
So, after spending wads o' cash on the things, the clients would take one look at the guest bathrooms and say nevermind. They were right behind the receptionist!%0D
The main bathrooms had the view right into the lunchroom. Everyone knew when someone was in the bathrooms, you could see the light go on and off through the polycarb.%0D
So sometimes you may have all your plans, but a fop architect posuer will throw a monkey wrench in your plans.
I wonder if Anna Wintour ever had to take a dump at the Vogue offices.\
I''m sure she has her own special en-suite bathroom that only she uses.
If you are a work-a-day-shitter: get in EARLY and have your coffee/croissant and subsequent shit in, NO LATER THAN 8am, in other words, before most people get in the office and defile the bathroom. For women, go before the 11:00am bathroom run, or, as I like to call it, the cattle stampede of nastiness. Women who prance around the office in Prada, know nada, about bathroom cleanliness or loo etiquette.
ShaKeitha: bathroom attendant
I no longer have any problems with pooping at public bathrooms. Airports, malls--I figure I'm probably never going to run into these people again.
Therein lies the problem with pooping at work. You see these people everyday. My schedule seems to rotate every few months and this week, I've been going in the morning. Which of course is my favorite schedule. The worst is the one in the late afternoon/early evening. That's when the bathrooms are the busiest with people using them just before leaving the office.
It's annoying that in the US we tend to favor multi stall bathrooms. I appreciate Japan or the UK where toilets are often in single unit rooms. My issue is performance anxiety as I really don't want to my business with my cube neighbor walking in midway.
I vary my routine to keep it fresh. My favorite are the single unit restrooms on the first floor. But they require me to walk past the building receptionist to get to them. So I try to limit that trip to once or twice a week. The receptionists never actually sees me walk into the restroom but since that particular area only has rental conference rooms, it doesn't make sense for me to be there every day and I'd guess she'd know what I was up to.
My second option is a large restroom for conference room attendees/visitors. It's hardly ever used. No receptionist, but there is some contact with security guards in the lobby.
Lastly, I use my office's restrooms and I try to find a time when there's little foot traffic. I've had to sometimes abort a mission and come around for another attempt because the restrooms are busy. This is the worst as I hate having to hold it in.
This had be written by a fussy gay guy. Yes, no one wants to shit at work, it''s not ideal. \
But, it''s hardly that big of a deal. People are such fucking babies.
I had no idea that this was so universal. I work for a big company and after lunch you could stand in any hallway and watch the guys do the bathroom mambo. Guys who have no business in my dept in suddenly the restroom hallway. Ha!
We all pray that the Indians from IT don''t come to our floor!
I guess I never got rid of my inner two year-old. \
When I crap in the toilet, I still expect applause, cheers, and a gift. Exiting the stall is such a letdown.
Yes, I made that reek; you''re welcome!
My female friends tell me that women are also disgusting pigs in public restrooms. They said that women are just as bad as men. I''m always surprised by this.
[quote]At a law firm I used to work at, one of the partners would bring a brief with him to the toilet so he could bill his time for taking a shit or standing at the urinal.\
Omg, what a fucking asshole!\
Then again, I''m surprised that MORE lawyers don''t do this.
I haven''t ever seen a women''s restroom where the toilet cubicles were that horrible. Maybe I''ve just been lucky. Seat sprinkles seem to be universal - I carry a purse pack of Handi-Wipes just for that purpose. %0D\
Now the sink area....whole different thing. Water puddles on the counter and the floors, used paper towels in the sink, used tissues, make-up smears. Or women spraying clouds of some noxious perfume or hairspray. Being trapped in a cubicle while a cloud of toxic scent descends on you is almost as bad as being ambushed by a gas explosion from the Shit Stall.
[quote]My female friends tell me that women are also disgusting pigs in public restrooms. They said that women are just as bad as men. I''m always surprised by this.\
Why? Women piss and fart and shit, too.\
Plus, we bleed, which is just another horrible issue altogether. There are only a few things in life more disgusting than seeing someone else''s used tampon.
[quote]What I love are the nasty straight guys I work with who bring reading material (sometimes work-related documents other people have to handle) into the shitter with them. So low-class and vile.\
That is so fucking disgusting. I think I would honestly vomit if I knew that some papers had been in the bathroom with somebody.\
Apparently, most workplaces need a bathroom monitor to make sure nobody brings in, or takes out, what they shouldn''t.
Sometimes I wonder how a species that survived a hundred thousand years in the wild could have spawned such delicate flowers.
I''m a 37 year-old male and I''ve pooped in public probably 3 times since I''ve been out of diapers. No shit. Can''t believe so many people can''t hold it in. All these guys on the pot in the gym lockerroom, don''t understand why they can''t wait 30 minutes until they''re home.
Oh girlfriends, y''all aint seen nothing until you''ve seen a bloody, shitty toilet seat with shit smeared on the WALL. DAMN.
[quote]How do you poop if you have a bf, especially in the beginning of the relationship? \
You don''t. You hold it until you break up.
Thank you r89 I totally agree.
Sounds like many of you wouldn''t be able to deal with travelling anywhere outside of the Western world.%0D\
Unless you could hold it for two weeks. But that wouldn''t surprise me about many of you.
Half the world doesn''t know what toilet paper is.
I hate pooping in public more than anything. I''m roughly 40 lbs overweight (5'' 9" 425 lbs) because I have bad knees and have a hard time walking. I use store scooters to help me shop and very few stores make their bathrooms so you can drive the cart inside. You end up parking near the bathroom door and hobbling into the bathroom where people will stare and make hurtful comments like it''s YOUR fault they made the bathrooms not accessible to people with disabilities! And that''s before you even get to the stall to poop!\
Thankfully, at work they have to provide us with bathrooms for the disabled and I was able to have my desk be the closest one to the bathroom so I don''t have to walk far to get to it. Most people don''t use the bathroom I do anymore, so it''s sort of private just because most people use a different one.
[quote] I''m roughly 40 lbs overweight (5'' 9" 425 lbs) \
I''m not sure I follow. Your ideal weight is 385 lbs?
Holding it in is BAD for you. Seriously, better a few minutes of embarrassment in a public bathroom stall than having your colon re-sected in an operating room.
A few months ago I had to take a shit at work. The Designated Shitter is the handicapped stall farthest from the door (no one ever, ever uses the other stall for anything but a pee - it's the second urinal). It was about 45 minutes before I had an appointment out of the office.
I flushed. Brown shit-water rose to the surface of the bowl (it must have been building in the pipes all day) with my contribution playing ring-around-the-rosy on the top.
The plunger did nothing. Finally I went to the janitor's closet in search of Drano or something. Nothing. Then I went to the company break room. Success - a half-bottle of Liquid Plum-R under the sink.
I poured it down and put a "Do Not Enter" sign on the stall door.
Five minutes before I had to leave, nothing had changed. And plunging STILL didn't help. The stench was ungodly. I really had to leave, so I left the "Do Not Enter" sign on the stall, put the empty bottle of Liquid Plum-R on top of the tank as a symbol of my good intentions and left for the day.
The next morning, it was gone, all of it: clean water in the bowl, no empty bottle on top, like it never happened. But it must have been obvious who the log jammer was.
[quote]Holding it in is BAD for you. Seriously, better a few minutes of embarrassment in a public bathroom stall than having your colon re-sected in an operating room.\
I''m sure holding it in all day, every day is bad for your health, but what''s wrong with holding off on pooping, say, once a month for an hour or three?
You people need to get your shit together.
R99, it''s never good to try and hold in anything your body wants to get rid of: piss, poop, vomit, a belch, a sneeze, or a baby.
Congrat on your own company.%0D\
I still don''t understand why, in the woman''s restroom at the gym, there is poo on the toilet seat.
Do all you people really have to poop that much? Only once every 4-6 months for me!
LeAnn Rimes-Cibrian, clean as a wet whistle
Whenever I poop at work, after each set of shit comes out of my ass I immediately flush it. It gets rid of the smell that way. Also, whenever the main bathroom door opens, I raise my legs so that no one will see my shoes beneath the stalls
Flushing the toilet several times more than necessary, just because you''re a bit icked out by something we all do, is wasteful to the point of stupidity. Such people are on par with whatever it is they''re flushing away.
"whenever the main bathroom door opens, I raise my legs so that no one will see my shoes beneath the stalls"%0D\
Trust me, THEY KNOW YOU''RE IN THERE.
I think r94 meant 225, which sounds about right for 40lbs over. I''m about the same height. But I could be wrong.\
I want to understand how poo gets on the ceiling or any place within an obvious explanation (there really is none, because why not clean it up if you make a mistake?).
Poop could get on the ceiling when they shake it off their fingers.\
As far as shit on the seat, I''ve decided it''s from looking at the toilet paper once you''ve wiped or a dismount error from non-efficient wipers.
R105, the last instance in which I would want people to scrimp on water usage is when flushing away a log that''s gotten lodged sideways in the bowl.
[quote]Why? Women piss and fart and shit, too.\
I disagree, R105. I appreciate courtesy flushes. \
I can''t stand hearing noisy BMs, and NO one should have to listen to mine.
Poop etiquette is where it''s at, bitch
[quote]I''m a 37 year-old male and I''ve pooped in public probably 3 times since I''ve been out of diapers. No shit.\
Almost literally, it seems.
You must have been toilet-trained by Joan Crawford (wielding her axe)
[quote]Poop could get on the ceiling when they shake it off their fingers.\
Well, I guess that just leaves the question of how they got enough of it on their fingers to shake it off...
R106, someone might turn off the light when they leave because they don''t know you''re in there. Then what will you do?
[quote]someone might turn off the light when they leave because they don''t know you''re in there. Then what will you do?%0D\
Perhaps this could explain the poop on the ceiling.
The most interesting revelation in this screed is the obvious fact that Brian Moylan is scat queen.%0D\
How he manages it with that moustache, i''ll never know.
If your BF won''t poop when you''re around, do you really want him bottoming you?
[quote]How do you poop if you have a bf, especially in the beginning of the relationship? I would be horrified if he heard or smelled something.\
Well, if you''re the lunatic from the "disgusting habits" thread, you lay some paper towels down on the kitchen floor, pop a squat, pinch a loaf, then pick it up in a plastic bag and toss it in the garbage.\
All while your bf is in the shower, because he doesn''t like when you''re in the bathroom while he is.
[quote]The most interesting revelation in this screed is the obvious fact that Brian Moylan is scat queen.\
[bold]I[/bold] am still scat queen!
I work in a university accounting office with almost nothing but Filipinos who tend to not like me or any other white person.
So, to get back at them I love leaving big fat gnarly snakes in the toilets at work. I'm BIG into fiber and use flax seed too and I generally have very large, long and thick poops that sort of curve around like a snake but don't break. I sometimes literally (honestly) have to stand up off the bowl while they are coming out of me to prevent breakage. I like them to be in one piece so that they coil around and look like soft-serve. I just leave them in there without flushing, zip up, and then go wipe in the other stall. Sometimes I'll even sit in the other stall for a while and lie in wait for one of my coworkers to come in, needing to poop, and then being so frightened by what they find in the next stall they just run out.
Every few weeks there are signs posted on the back of the bathroom door reminding us to flush and so far we've gotten 2 emails about 'people not flushing' but I don't care. I honestly LOVE this.
Do you think Jackie Onassis ever pooped at work? I can''t imagine her ever having any lower GI functions.
[quote]Who''s schmelling who?\
And who''s zoomin'' who?
I never poop at work. I''m too busy blowing coworkers in the bathroom.
[quote]Do all you people really have to poop that much? Only once every 4-6 months for me!\
[quote]by: LeAnn Rimes-Cibrian, clean as a wet whistle\
LeAnn, you''re full of shit.
[quote]I sometimes literally (honestly) have to stand up off the bowl while they are coming out of me to prevent breakage. I like them to be in one piece so that they coil around and look like soft-serve.\
I''m picturing you swirling your hovered ass over the seat to form your Dairy Queen-like creation.
Imagine the smell if you just shit in a bucket between numbers.
Such anal shame on a gay male website is fascinating indeed.
When I first started dating my partner, we invited his ex (who he was best friends with) over for dinner at my one bedroom apartment. I didn't really like the ex, and he really didn't like me. For whatever reason, I did not poop that day.
Just after dinner, I couldn't hold it any longer. I was in terrible pain trying not to fart, and the poop was "right at the door." I excused myself and went into the bathroom (about five feet away from the living/dining room). I quietly and quickly pooped a big ole' pile. After a quick wipe, I pressed the plunger.
I watched in horror as the water swirled and rose to the top of the bowl. I grabbed the plunger and tried to get it unclogged but to no avail. I finally tearfully called my partner in for his help. He got it unclogged.
To his ex's credit - he laughed and assured me if it had been him, he would have just announced that he had to go take a shit!!
That was 25 years ago. To this day, my partner and I have only seen each other poop twice. We have separate bathrooms and that's just how we like it.
[quote]The most interesting revelation in this screed is the obvious fact that Brian Moylan is scat queen.%0D\
That''s hardly news, Tony.
all and sundry
I''m proud to say that I never once pooped at school--from kindergarten to 12th grade. Not once. I don''t even remember peeing that much at school, either.
I have no shame in pooping at work, but I am curtious. I hate it when someone poops and then sits there for a half hour without flushing so the whole bathroom gets stinky.
[quote]I wish someone would come in. I''m waiting to tap....%0D\
Bonnie Franklin in suspenders
"I''m proud to say that I never once pooped at school--from kindergarten to 12th grade. Not once. I don''t even remember peeing that much at school, either."\
You''re [italic]proud[/italic] to say that?
All these posts, and no one mentions that the simple strike of a match can eliminate bathroom odors? I eat fairly healthy and have been able to time my poos around work hours. If I were a work pooper, I''d always carry a book of matches on my person. \
Did your mothers teach you anything?\
People who leave logs in the loo out of spite? No words...
No Taco Bell, bitches!
This article reads like something written by a precocious 13 year-old boy.\
It''s such a juvenile preoccupation.
After heartily LOLing at this thread last nite, low and behold, I had to take a shit today at work. This thread was on my mind as I evacuated...
[R135] That''s all fine and good at home (we all have candles for that reason....\
....but most companies frown upon lit matches in the loo. They tend to do shit like: set the fire alarm and sprinkler system off.
I used to work at this freaky, out in the boonies, office complex where there was one bathroom for all to share. %0D\
I could not say which sex were to blame for the hideousness of this place, but it was stomach churning. I felt so bad for the little Mexican guy who was in charge of cleaning it.%0D\
Being only the one bathroom, there would invariably be times when it was occupied.%0D\
Thankfully I worked alone, in my own little unit. Many times over my years there, I would be forced to take the plastic trash can, put a new bag in it and empty my bowels directly into the trash can, while hover over it, so as not to break it. It was awful.%0D\
Of course I would immediately dispose of the bag in the dumpster, and yes, I used Kleenex to wipe.
[quote]"I''m proud to say that I never once pooped at school--from kindergarten to 12th grade. Not once. I don''t even remember peeing that much at school, either." You''re proud to say that?%0D\
Maybe he got really bad grades in school. %0D\
I guess I am in a minority too, I don''t shit at work, never did. Do it at home, either in the morning or at night. %0D\
But this last summer I went on holidays with 4 friends to another friend''s house in the south of france, where they have the toilet isolated from the bath and the sink. It was just a shit (and piss) closet. Very small AND just near the kitchen and the girl''s bedroom. %0D\
After the third day of nobody talking about it, we discovered that none of us ever took a shit. For three whole days... %0D\
As for women''s bathrooms I too received office e-mails on the subject. From what I gathered later, the heart of the matter is not the shit but the blood.
How about just being a human being and taking a shit in the toilet at work when you need to and not driving yourself nuts about it.\
Why on earth should taking a shit at work - in the proper place of course - be any different than taking a shit at a party, in a house you are sharing with friends, or any other communal place.\
Get a life, people. Human beings crap.
R139, you crapped in your cube?
I worked as an RN and NP for over 20 years. I never even saw the inside of a bathroom at work because I never had the time to use one.
I never knew this was such a vexing topic for people. Shut door, flush, make sure you leave toilet clean and fresh for next person, and wash your hands. Clearly I have been remiss.
Twice today at work. Full bodied poops too. Proud of myself.
You shit at work people are disgusting. It''s a private activity. Keep that shit at home. Literally!!!!!%0D\
The only excuse is if you contract food poisoning after lunch.
So glad I''m not a cube dweller. I work from home and am able to go whenever the mood strikes in the privacy of my sparkling clean home bathroom.
r145, as a RN and NP you should know better than to hold it in.
There''s just no way i could hold it in all day. I only get the urge to go after my second coffee of the morning, about 11am, and I''d be unable to walk if I tried to hold it in until the end of the day. I don''t see the big deal in using the toilet at work. It''s what it''s there for and we all poop.
I don''t know why but I''ve always had the idea that women''s poop was unusually fresh and clean smelling.
r152, it''s like the smell of fresh flowers. I feel so blessed.
At this summer''s local Fringe Fest, one play had a funny scene: asked to imagine the most disgusting thing ever, the girl said "Imagine a world where we eat in private, in shame... and crap in public, all together at the dinner table."\
and very very disturbing, lol
That''s brilliant, R154??%0D\
You have excrutiatingly low standards.
R155, you wouldn''t know brilliant if it hit you in the ear with a 10'' feet penis.
The most important thing I have learned is make sure you have stopped shitting before you start wiping.
R144, it was a private office. Just me, myself and I. Thank god.
That was me, r139.
Fun fact: Mariah Carey''s public appearance contract specified that white flowers were to be placed IN the toilet bowl in her private bathroom facilities, and replenished after every time she ... you know.
Not even a fun myth, R160. Mariah''s diva demands have mushroomed to absurd levels with each person who repeats the story adding their own little twist.
[quote]What, no iPhone?%0D\
The smartphone was a real game-changer.
taking a dump as I type!
There''s this little bathroom out of the way next to the service elevator on the top floor.\
Have you ever corked a poo at work for so long that when you get home and finally drop it.... it comes out totally clean; none even on the toilet paper. You begin to doubt you have actually done one until you peep through your thighs and see it languishing in the S-bend and remember the tell-tale splash on your butt cheeks.... Amazing.\
R161: YES! Take flax seed and eat lots of fiber like I do and your poop can always be this glorious!!! These are the kind I leave in the toilet at work...big, long clean ones that come out sort of in one full swoop! I''m the guy that works with Filipinos who don''t like me and I NEVER flush afterwards!
This thread is making me laugh. I''m happy not to be quite as hung up as some of you. I do make efforts not to be seen entering or exiting the stall when pooping. I will sit for a minute or two, even if done, if someone comes in to wash hands or use the urinal. I am a fan of the courtesy flush. I hated when a female colleague told me that one of the secretaries, a sweet, gorgeous blonde woman took some of the stinkiest dumps. I couldn''t look at her without thinking about that. I blamed my friend. Where I used to work some guy not only brought in the newspaper to read, he would leave it behind as a courtesy to others. I didn''t want to touch that thing. He was an asshole anyway.
At my old workplace there was someone who''d leave half-eaten apples and sandwiches in the stall.
But what if you husband is President of the United States and he has...\
(voices drops to nearly inaudible whisper)\
(voices returns to normal girlishly breathy but audible state)\
Does he have to walk across the street to the Old Executive Mansion several times a day to...\
(voice drops back to nearly inaudible whisper)\
...do ''his business''?
In the 80s, SPY reported that the production company for PRINCE OF TIDES was specifically required to engineer the toilet for Barbra Streisand''s trailer so that she could flush it without having to turn around and in the process even accidentally see what was in the bowl.
I don''t know whether this thread is funny or pathetic. I am 58 years old and have never been remotely ashamed embarassed or afraid or concerned about going to the bathroom at work. I mean, every live human has to do it.%0D\
What a strange post! Next we are going to be ashamed of breathing at work, or sneezing, at work, at coughing etc. %0D\
God Americans are fucked up.
R70 = The Immaculate Defecation.
This one office I worked in, people would talk about the people who never washed their hands after they dropped some bombs. I always tried to not touch those people. And this one guy always took the office newspapers with him in there. That is so gross to me. Yuck.
The weirdist, most repressed part of this thread is still seeing grown adults refer to it as ''a poop''.
I see, r173. No doubt you would prefer "a bowel movement."
"Someone has sent me a bowel movement!"
We are the Defecation Nation!
"Poop" is fun to say.
I prefer the word "poop." It should be infantilized since it brings out the infant in everyone anyhow.%0D\
I hate the word "crap". I hate when people say "Holy CRAP!" It''s so lowbrow.
Like R42, my daughter is vehement about the absolute necessity of the COURTESY FLUSH. The poor kid has had digestive issues since she was an adolescent and she hates to use public toilets. As a result, she has come up with many little "rules" for taking a dump. She even does the CF at home, but it still doesn''t stop the stench from wafting into the next room and making me gag.
Well smell you, Princess.
R178, has she tried popping in a scented suppository about 20 minutes before the next defecation?
OMG R120. You just made me laugh so hard I almost pissed myself . . . but we''ll save that topic for another thread, eh? xoxo
For those loud and large movements you have to flush as you go. Yea you get some splash up sometimes from flushing but it takes it away while blending out sound and minimizing smell.
R120 and R181 are disgusting pigs.
[quote]a female colleague told me that one of the secretaries, a sweet, gorgeous blonde woman took some of the stinkiest dumps. I couldn''t look at her without thinking about that.\
R166 can''t recognize a jealous evil cube frau when he sees one?
Don''t worry R183, we have installed a camera to catch the swirly pooper. He''s about to be outed in a very public and embarrassing way.
R120''s office mates
R184, she was a really, really good friend. There might have been bitterness but I don''t believe she''d make "shit" up like that.
[quote]She even does the CF at home, but it still doesn''t stop the stench from wafting into the next room and making me gag."\
See, this is where it ceases to become funny and starts to become just disturbing. You''re actually bitching about your own daughter taking a shit in her own home...? Where is she supposed to do it: in the woods?
Best odor eliminator...standard febreeze, not the air spray kind.
At one large museum at which I worked (sharing restrooms with executives, marketing, PR, development, finance, education and various exhibit staff), we kept a list of who didn''t wash their hands after the dirty work. People contributed names discreetly.\
One senior VP, female, was the disgrace of the place. She never washed after a crap, and always insisted on offering staff cookies with her hands.\
I don''t understand the no hand washing routine. Why? How hard can it be to take 30 seconds to wash your hands?
You people do know that you need to place TP in the toilet before you drop a turd. Turd splash can spread disease.
I haven''t been this horny in decades.
[quote]R178,has she tried popping in a scented suppository about 20 minutes before the next defecation?\
LMAO!!! This made me think of those odor-busting drops that go into the toilet prior to a movement. I had the link on an old laptop that I no longer have. Anybody know of what I speak?
My "workplace" is an airplane....just a couple of pointers ladies.....\
1. I know it''s not always possible but try to do your ''deed'' before you board the aircraft. Our jumpseats are near the toilets and we don''t enjoy smelling your shit.\
2. Please don''t come up and use the First class john to take your dump while I''m serving breakfast. These folks don''t pay those extra dollars to smell your shit while eating our greasy omelets.\
3. If the seat belt sign is on....keep your stinky ass in your seat.
Lou the Stew
My workplace has one of those restrooms with no door just a winding hall for an entrance so if you''re farting up a storm your co-workers can hear you.\
So I''ve learned to wad up some toilet paper and press it against my gas pipe to muffle the sound. Works like a charm.
R120, putang ina mo. Ang titi mo kasing liit ng dilis.
Have you ever heard your mother piss? Like a racehorse? Mortifying.
I''ve always been curious how movie stars and other celebrities handle this problem.%0D\
I mean, as bad as it is for everyone, for them it''s worse, because they''re put on a pedestal, revered like unearthly, heavenly gods and goddesses, and treated as fantasy sex objects for millions and millions.%0D\
Have none of these people had any embarrassing bathroom incidents on location or using the restroom in a restaurant or at the gym? Or even just having to fart in public or take a leak behind a bush and being recognized while doing it? Surely that must have happened to some celeb, somewhere, sometime.
R197, when I''m gassy and can''t get off to myself, I stuff my butt crack with Kleenex, and fart away. %0D\
I might even apply for a patent.
La Streisand was known for traveling around LA with her own porta potty so she wouldn''t have to have her shit mingle with the common folks shit.
This is undoubtedly the most disgusting thread ever to grace this less-than-pristine board.
Queen Elizabeth travels with her own personal toilet seat covered in white kidskin. Royalty must not sit where the uncouth peasants have parked their disgusting asses.
One day I shall travel with a toilet seat made of the skin of Queen Elizabeth.
Not true, R204 but nice try.%0D\
R205 You''re going first anyway.%0D\
At Hampstead Court Palace, King Charles''s (I,II?) red velvet cushioned loo can still be seen.
[quote] putang ina mo. Ang titi mo kasing liit ng dilis.\
Does everyone use toilet seat covers?
[quote] I''ve always been curious how movie stars and other celebrities handle this problem.\
Corn? When did I eat corn?
The Hon. Fiona Featherstonhaugh-Cholmondeley, Woman of the Poop Chamber
Anymore "poop at work" stories, DLers? I need a good lauigh today!
Not Into Scat - Just Have Juvenile Sense of Humor
Why do some guys take huge dumps at work, like everyday? Is it a territorial thing? I see the same guys in the men's room every morning after they Ive taken a 30 minute shit when I pee. Some people just dont give a shit how much time they spend shitting at work.
I think I deserve a huge bonus for taking minimal dumps on company time.
I just go in my diaper. Sure, it stinks but it spares me the embarrassment and health risk of peeing or making doody in the public restroom at work.
So sad that this generation is so entitled that they worry endlessly about pooping within 500 yards of another human being.
R213 I don't get it either. Almost every time I go to the restroom at work to go pee, there's at least one stall with someone in there shitting. I wouldn't shit at work unless it was an absolute emergency. But these men just seem to think they're at home.
It's gross hearing all the nasty sounds.
As a rule, I usually go in the morning. I factor in the time I might be pooping when I set my alarm. I rarely go at work except for those times that I might be a bit anxious about some work situation and my insides tend to get crazy.
I find that if I eat 5-7 prunes followed by a glass of water at night, say about 7pm, I will have little problem in taking a substantial, less strained b m before going to work. And I have recently changed my routine from having a shower first thing to having it after I've pooped. I can usually go within the first 40 minutes.
I 'm one of those who prefers to wash afterwards if I can.
i have seen an item in the stores where you drop a pellet of something in the bowl before you go and the odors are never noticeable. Don't know what they are. Don't know if they work. Interesting idea.
FF this sick motherfucker! Talking about shit this way! You sully the reputation of this great big fraternity. Eat shit and die.
r218 4/day does me just fine. The kefir helps too. No smell at all.
What do you do when you are pooping and your boss walks in a sits at the cubicle next to you? You recognize him by his shoes. Do you continue going or clench up? What if BOTH of you clench up and its a stand-off? What do you do then?
I wish there was a way to post this at my work. I work with mostly women, and there is a one-bowl communal toilet by our offices that most of us understand is just for peeing. For poops, we all use the large restrooms on the other side of the building that each have 3 stalls and are usually empty.
EXCEPT for one chick. At least once a day, if not twice, she settles into the "onester" bathroom and shuts it down for 20 minutes. She takes her fucking iPad in with her, doesn't turn on the fan, or use the Glade we've put in there. So gross--and she leaves long, curly, greasy hair everywhere. My office is the closest to that bathroom, so if I have to pee after her, I have to walk to the other one to avoid the stench. The funny thing is, she is closer to the big, anonymous bathrooms, but still walks down to the shared one to unleash her nastiness.
It makes our boss nuts too, but telling someone how to shit at work is a conversation I'm sure she'd like to not have. Plus, the offensive pooper is in every other way a very sweet girl, but dang, "she nasty".
In Uganda they think we eat da poo-poo.
I heard my boss in the next stall poop a really loud and nasty one once. He was a nasty, rude, bigoted, big ex-football player, too. I never liked him much, and liked him less after that experience.
One gal told me she squats over the toilet to poop when in public. That may explain the poop on the seat.
I take a little pocket-sized can of Glade with me and give a few spritzes, mostly because our bathroom at work ALWAYS smells like shit. We have some really obese guys who, I swear, shit dead animals. It's horrendous. But, yeah, the Glade also covers up my indiscretions. Everyone should invest in one and use it accordingly. It's the nice thing to do for your fellow work shitters.
Glade smells worse than residual shit molecules, R225.
There was a guy who used to carry a 12" can of something Glade-like in the water bottle pocket of his backpack. I'd see him at the coffee shop we both frequented. More than once, I heard people making jokes about "Gary Glade," or "the Glade Guy" as he'd walk towards, or back from, the restroom.
There was a group of guys who were also there a lot, and they'd make fun of him out loud, even. "Hey, Gary Glade's droppin' a deuce" -- that kind of thing.
I wonder what your co-workers call you, R225.
My coworkers don't know I have it, R226. And no, the Glade doesn't smell worse.
I drink lots of v8 before work so i can shit in three different toilets. First i use the employee one then the two public ones. I am in early and this gets done before everyone shows up at 8 am. I always hear them talking about the non flusher. And u know that v8 make poopies very liquidy
Due to my weight problems and mobility issues I started wearing a diaper to work. Yeah, it doesn't smell great but it gets the job done and is a time saver for me because I don't need to spend time using the restroom. This way I can have a B.M. in the middle of a meeting without leaving the meeting. My coworkers have been very accommodating and I don't think the odor is an issue. Sometimes they turn their head away or look at me when I'm going and it makes a "squirting" noise, but I'm pretty sure they don't think it's coming from me.
Maybe white trash R225 can spray you with Glade, R229.
You're an asshole, R230.
I knew a lady who always kept a box of matches in her purse and when she needed to do #2, she'd light a match in the stall.
Maybe you could keep a scented candle with you and light that up - and that would be even better?
Gawker gets duller every day.
A guy who worked for my Dad made a point of pooping at work. He was an hourly worker. It really annoyed my Dad that he spent maybe the first 30 minutes of the work day getting paid to poop. He was obese, maybe 350 lbs, so that may explain the time. Personally, I'm all for getting paid to poop.
You're a gladehole, R231.
I shit at work all the time, never thought twice about it. It's a great way to slack and the only time I get to check grindr/scruff at work.