Your most painful or embarrassing masturbation experience -

You should have butt-fucked your brother as a punishment for that, OP.

That's a disturbing response to the story, R1.%0D %0D

For a REAL THRILL, try with Capsaicin Creme next time, OP. And the time after that, get yourself a tube of Ben-Gay and go to town!

You win OP.

R4, there has to be worse out there. I hope.

No, OP, I think that may be the worst ever. My worst was my mom walking in at age 14 and simply telling me lunch was ready.

I knew a guy who decided to try Ben-Gay. He said it was the dumbest thing he ever tried.

This deserves an up.

The day after I discovered I could wank (& come) I was busted rubbing one out by my grandmother. She didn't say anything but glared so hard I thought she wanted to kill me.

I don't think I've ever heard a worse story than the OPs. He wins.

I grew up in a college town. One summer these two hot college studs rented out a garage a few blocks away. They seemed to be outside all summer washing their car, totally shirtless. They had amazing upper bodies and obviously enjoyed showing them off. I used to ride my bike past their garage just to get a look a them. One time I was so horned up, I started jerking myself off through my shorts, while on the bike. As I exploded, I lost control of the bike, which went up a curb and I crashed into a white picket fence.

One time a cat meowed when I was masturbating. I've never gotten over it.

Did anyone notice, R11?

I really don't know, r13. I had a couple of scrapes. I was so embarrassed, all I remember is getting back on my bike and riding away and hoping to sneak in the house before my mom saw the scrapes and wet spot on my shorts. Of course, as a 16-year-old who only thought with his dick, that little incident didn't stop me from endlessly riding past the garage the rest of the summer. They always seemed to be out there.

With the white picket fence and all, R11, that would make a great Norman Rockwell picture.

Be lucky you had your mom, OP and not R9's grandmother. She would have let your dick fall off.

I was housesitting for the 4th time or so at this secluded home for a co-workers parents. I decided to masturbate naked in the family room with the TV on and the dog sitting there. I did this a couple evenings in a row in a couple of different ways. %0D %0D I found out later that they had installed cameras throughout the house a few months prior to my visit as they had had a robbery. No one told me though.

R17, you win.

[quote]One time a cat meowed when I was masturbating. I've never gotten over it. My cats do more than meow when I'm masturbating, they usually hop up on the bed with me and request that I pet them! I've had to teach them what "Mommy's busy" means.

Oh, R19, seriously. You need to get laid, honey.

I'm surprised there haven't been any posts involving masturbation with food yet.

Reminds me of one of the best threads ever on DL. Yes, the guy who took cell phone video of himself masturbating, then accidentally sent it to everyone in his contact list. (it was a new phone and he somehow hit "send all" or something.)

At first I believed it, because getting a new phone can be tricky. I felt horrible for the guy. But as it went on, the scenario got more and more over the top (and hilarious).

He was so embarrassed because everyone saw his "O face" ..Didn't his Father throw up and his mother faint? Then he got fired from his job because his boss and all his workmates saw it. He planned on moving out of the state? Pure hilarity. Even when we knew it wasn't true, he made it so funny, we didn't care.

A thread like that is why archives would have been nice.

This isn't exactly a masturbation story but it's almost as painful as OPs.

This happened in the 70s, I was house sitting with a younger female cousin while her parents were away. I'm a guy btw. We're both gay.

I was downstairs watching TV, my cousin went upstairs to the bathroom.

Within five minutes I hear a blood curdling scream. She had added some lotion to make her tampon insertion easier, but she inadvertently grabbed a product called Dermassage, which IIRC was used at hospitals.

This type had menthol. I don't think it's such a great idea to add menthol to your genital area!

She came downstairs, still in pain. She told me what had happened and that she pulled out the tampon, but didn't know what to do. "My crotch is on fire and not in a good way!"

I didn't know what the hell to tell her. "How about douching?" I suggested.

Since she could barely walk, guess who had to go to the drugstore? Me! I bought the mildest douche I could find.

She then ran upstairs, it slightly relieved the menthol 'pain', but basically it had to run it's course.

I suggested that we should go to the local hospital, which was only a few blocks away, she said she was too embarrassed, she didn't want to tell anyone in the ER that she put Dermassage up her crotch!

Lotion wouldn't have been any better, R23, unless she was deliberately trying to achieve a nasty yeast infection.

Not sure why she needed to add anything to the tampon applicator. I recall her mentioning tampons came in different sizes, perhaps she was using the Super size and it hurt?

I would assume, without any sort of lubrication, you just can't shove dry things up a vagina?

Sounds like she was yanking your chain R23. No one needs lube to insert a tampon. They're no bigger than a your pinky finger.

I got that beat OP.

A recent e.d. treatment my urologist recommended, an injection. It took affect right away. He told me to jack it off and it would go away. It didn't. After another 4 orgasms, I was still painfully hard. I had that now well known 4 hour panic and had to go to his office, dressed like a flasher to hide the huge tent in my pants, where he gave me sudefedrin and after two doses and an icepack, I finally went semi-limp. I never thought an erection could be painful. But it can be.

No, no R26. A vagina can get dry (if you've just removed a tampon maybe), which makes applying another horrible. So you can wait awhile, or maybe use some KY if you are inclined, but lotion is obviously not really the way to go. But I'd totally expect a kid to try that.

I own this thread.

When I was a teenager I was staying with a German family, and one night, horny as Hell, I went into the bathroom to handle my business. Well, I started looking for hand lotion or some likely lube, and all I could find was a tube full of some cream that was, as best as I could puzzle out with my very limited German, for "soothing relief." Good enough.

Well, about 90 seconds after I liberally slathered it over my private parts I had the most intense burning sensation I've ever felt.I wanted to scream. I bet I took 4 showers in 2 hours. It lasted for hours and my dick was red and tender for days.

Turns out it was a cream made from whatever bees sting you with, and is a popular natural alternative to BenGay over there.

Why the fuck did it never occur to you people to just use a big gob of spit in your fucking hand when you needed to jerk off?

It's STILL how I do it, and I have never had any of these retarded embarrassments. Y'all were idiots.

R31, why do you think a thread about embarrassing masturbation stories would be filled with posts from rocket scientists?

Well r31, I suffer from acute dry mouth with several missing fingers and your modus operandi would have me coughing like a cat hacking up a fur ball with spit splattering all over the wall. Besides, using spit makes your dick stink and prevents one from accepting a bj until one has showered.

[quote]Besides, using spit makes your dick stink and prevents one from accepting a bj until one has showered.

Ewwwww! Have you considered brushing your tongue once in a while?

Btw, wouldn't lotion cause the same "stinky dick that nobody wants to lick"?

R31 - Drools.

Not true r26. My tampons are a lot bigger than my pinky, albeit I have very small hands. She may have been using one bigger than was needed or when it just started (may go from low to heavy fast). I've never put anything down there, so I've used lubricants before.

I can't say I have any embarrassing masturbation stories, thank goodness.

No one had vaseline?!

[quote]I'm surprised there haven't been any posts involving masturbation with food yet.

R17, what did the dog think about that?

No stories of my own, but a friend of mine jerked off into a hot pocket once. He claimed his dad caught him, mumbled something about a waste of good food, and walked away.

Major EST at R40. Everybody knows that Hot Pockets are not good food.

I got in trouble for masturbating during nap time in pre-school. They made my dad come and talk to me.

He was a French Bulldog so he retreated into the other room.

"Sounds like she was yanking your chain [R23]. No one needs lube to insert a tampon. They're no bigger than a your pinky finger."

No my cousin and I were very close growing up, we also had a special bond because we're both gay.

As others here have mentioned, tampons come in different sizes, they can go from Junior to Extra Super. The plastic applicators on the super size are actually quite large.

I would also think that inserting a tampon with a cardboard applicator can also be very dry! Thus, the lotion or some type of lube.

A bit off topic but still thread appropriate:

One time I was at the pet store with my friend and one dog was basically giving a blowjob to another dog. We thought it was hilarious.

Just imagine coming in there and and having a cute dog come out of it's cage to pet it only to realize that there's a huge load of cum on it's face.

Back in the old days, children, tampons did come with cardboard "applicator" tube things (so you wouldn't have to touch your nasty lady-parts, apparently). Inserting one was a rather complicated maneuver requiring 2 hands and a pull-string, although if you were dexterous you could do it one-handed. Most girls my age were not as squeamish as their mothers and just threw away the applicator and shoved the tampon up there. OW.%0D %0D Yes, you often needed lubrication because those things were SUPPOSED to attract and retain fluids! Lube of choice was usually Vaseline or Jergens. I can't believe we didn't have yeast infections all the time.%0D %0D Eventually the applicators became softer smoother plastic, and then they were eventually eliminated. But using those cardboard applicators was like launching a mailing tube right up your twat. No, it wasn't like you'd be tempted to masturbate with it, either.

R43, that joke was simultaneously cheesy and funny.

Does masturbating without any type of lube desensitize your penis over time?

r46, I have cardboard applicator tampons in my bathroom right now. They're cheaper, most of the time I get the smooth type but when they're talking 80 for 5 bucks, I'll take the abuse to save a buck lol

Anywho. I'm highly disturbed by the pet shop blow job.

[quote]I'm highly disturbed by the pet shop blow job%0D %0D %0D Then you've never owned a male dog, R49.

How did this thread get hijacked by R23. Has NOTHING to do with masturbation, and now the thread is full of tampon information and advice. Start a tampon thread already.

Hasn't happened to me r48.

the most painful was the time with that crowbar

R52. Same here. I'm uncut too, and love it. What's all this nonsense about having to search for lube and using whatever someone finds? If these poor boys had a foreskin, they wouldn't need lube. A silky smooth foreskin is all that's required for a hot jack off session.

My friend Monte jacked off with a tomato once. I'm kind of bummed--that's the only anecdote I can contribute.

I'd love to see R11's story filmed for a movie. I saw the entire thing in my mind as I was reading it, including the white picket fence.

Re: Just use spit.%0D %0D I do that 99% of the time and it almost is never a problem. Except one time I'd eaten Jerk Chicken for dinner and did not immediately brush my teeth. I was jerking off a half hour or so later w/ spit and my dick started burning slightly...

What a great thread.

I want to see a picture of R2. Would you please post one, R2, preferably parked in front of your favorite meal? I'm curious to see how today's overweight Pentecostals wear their hair to keep the food out of it. Thanks!

If you are cut does masturbating without any kind of lube desensitize your penis? That's what I should have asked.

My partner's cut and always needs lube or spit, I'm uncut and have never used any kind of lube to masturbate.

College..... I used laundry detergent as lube (I think it was "Solo"....remember that?)

It did not burn, but two days later I had a HUGE pussing sore on the shaft of my dick...

R61. Same with me. I'm uncut and don't use lube to masturbate. And I don't like lube either. I would never even think to use it. Jesus, that's stuff is an awful mess on your dick when you just trying to have some fun.

I'm cut and never use lube. Never had a problem...

It almost hurts to read some of these.

Didn't use lube, and ended up scraping my penis till it bleed. Had to refrain from touching my penis for a week.

am I the only person that doesn't use any lube or moisterizer when they jerk off? a few tissues and Im good

r67, we circumcised gentlemen do not want to start dangerous fires by masturbating without lubrication or moisturizer. Thank you.

R66, what did you scrape it with? Were you using sandpaper?

Cute kid. Actually better looking as a boy.

OP, what would have hurt me worse than that crappy balm your older brother recommended was his fucking iwth you like that.%0D %0D To me, older brothers are supposed to be David Bradford on Eight is Enough.%0D %0D Someone taller and hunky who has his own apartment that you could go over to and hang out when stuff at home gets to be too much.%0D %0D

RE: With the white picket fence and all, [R11], that would make a great Norman Rockwell picture.%0D %0D LOL TY!

I'm cut and have never used lube, and haven't noticed any loss of sensitivity over the decades. I have no idea what people are talking about when they say you need lube or spit.

Same here, R73.%0D %0D

Oh shit, that was supposed to go in the thread about warren beatty's son getting a sex change.

Whoops

[quote]To me, older brothers are supposed to be David Bradford on Eight is Enough.%0D %0D %0D Pssst R71, that show was only someone's fantasy about a family that would never exist in real life. Older bothers live to torture their younger siblings. It's the law.

i once used a bar of soap with a hole in it an felt good the whole time but the next day i had a huge blood blister on my dick couldnt touch it for a week

Use Mustard next time ._.

bump for OP's epic embarrassment

Are you still friends with your brother, OP?

You have a good mother.

Typical DL - A promising thread devolves into a flame war about fucking tampons and lube...

just a tiny amount of gun oil is perfect, cut or uncut

Not me(I swear!), but a guy I knew in the service jacked off for an entire 3 day weekend. He used plenty of K-Y jelly, but even more copious amounts of weed. All the skin on his cock sloughed off. He was, shall we say, "incapacitated" for a few months. Had to be hospitalized, and dermatologists and plastic surgery types work on him judiciously. The story made the rounds of the hospital, strangely enough he was not embarrassed to talk about it. Military medics are a strange breed.

Funny and sexy-hot masturbation story told by soldier.

Had a hair trigger dick at 13, and an erection that always projected beyond belt line aiming upwards 23 hours per day. So, I leaned over to hug mom goodbye after shower on way out that evening and accidentally shot huge load on her forehead, cheek and edge of mouth. True story. All I could offer in my shock was a feeble 'Sorry, Mom'. Without skipping a beat, she wiped off most of it with her cocktail napkin and said, "Be careful where you aim that thing, sweetheart."

A work friend was telling me that he is a high velocity shooter. One day he was fucking his girlfriend on the couch and he pulled out and shot a Christmas card off the mantle. Girlfriend was impressed. Another time he was jacking off and after he shot he couldn't find his stream, he probably didn't make much of an effort. Anyway his girlfriend comes home from work and he hears "oh you poor dog". Their goofy shepherd pup had a 5 inch string of cum across it's forehead.

Needless to say I declined their invitation to watch the Superbowl, I told him I didn't want to stick to his decor. He laughed."

Some of these are really funny.

R85..what?

bizarre

r85, that was unsettling to read.

R85, you need a few more details to even make that one believable. Hugging your mum?

You're an idiot, OP.

Masturbation is a sin.

My story is rather ordinary, I'm sure it has happened to lots of guys. I was on my bed, lying on my back and jerking off when shot all over my chest and face. The part that got on my face got into my eye and burned like a son of a bitch. I learned to aim up in the air and not at my chest.

I grew up in the '80s, in one of the most conservative parts of the US, and did not have access to lube or other sexual items, so I would often have to improvise. One hot summer when I was 16, I thought it was a bright idea to store a stick of butter in a shoe box under my bed, to have as emergency lube for those inevitable, raging 2:00 AM boners. The thick slickness of butter on my teenage dick felt fantastic, and I would always launch nine or ten high shots of semen when I used it. I also kept a roll of paper towels next to it, though admittedly, cleanup was complicated and I usually had to shower first thing every morning so no one would smell the butter on me and suspect anything.

One such night, I awoke with a relentless throbber and had to extinguish it straight away, so I reached down under the bed for my box. Still in the pitch-dark and without turning on my nightstand lamp, I took out the stick of butter and began to slather it generously all over my cock and my balls, thinking this situation was going to have to be a two-hander, and fully ready to make whatever mess was necessary to cum as hard as possible. I started pumping my right hand exquisitely up and down my engorged and grateful cock while gently pulling on my tight scrotum with my left hand and eventually slipped a finger or two up my asshole for extra measure. It was sheer heaven...

Then, something horrible started happening.

One, then two, and then ten, eleven, twelve... I felt a stinging sensation everywhere down there, as if I'd sat on a hornet's nest or was being feasted on by mosquitoes. I turned the lamp on and stared down in horror to see that I was covered in army ants, some of them with wings. I jumped off the bed and tried to brush them off my body, all the while cursing aloud and trying to find the paper towel roll which had rolled somewhere under the bed, out of reach. They continued to attack me viciously; I had huge, red welts all over my genitals and even had to dig some ants out of my ass.

I gave up and decided to just get in the shower immediately. I bolted out of my bedroom and up the stairs toward the only bathroom in the house, and my dad happened to hear me. He came out of his own bedroom, buck naked and scratching his balls, flicked on the hall light and stopped me in my tracks, curtly demanding to know what the hell I was doing. His eyes dropped down; he saw my still-desperate erection, shook his head, and went back into his room, having apparently concluded that I'd been wanking all night and must have baptized myself in cum or something in order to want a shower in the middle of the night.

Needless to say, I abandoned foodstuffs for more sensible solutions available over-the-counter (lotion, Vaseline, etc.). I even tried Vicks once, and it wasn't half bad.

That sounds horrible, r95. I had no idea that butter attracted ants.

When I was 16, I ripped by banjo string. It didn't heal properly for weeks, and it kept ripping.

"still-desperate erection" - r95 was a brilliant read.

This isn't exactly a masturbation story, but related. A friend was staying in the old Orlando Parliament House, which was more or less a motel/bathhouse for gay men during the 70s and 80s, early 90s. . They had some sort of continental breakfast and my friend grabbed a couple of jelly packets on his way out to slather on a cracker or something as a snack later. He found an accommodating "guest" that evening, and as things had progressed, the guest was reaching for lube in the dark, which my friend had told him was in the bedside table drawer, and pulled out the jelly packet. He completely lubed himself with jelly before he realized what he had done. That put a quick end to the anticipated activity of the evening.

[quote] That put a quick end to the anticipated activity of the evening.

I take it the jelly wasn’t grape.

As for that, I can't say. My friend was a bottom, but as we all know, there are many times when the situation calls for a backup plan....