You didn't expect them to drive to DC in the shitty cars they make did you?

-- Anonymous

In other news, publishers of Ebony must offer the companion magazine Ivory.

-- Anonymous

Sometimes God closes doors too.

-- Anonymous

Nothing says raw sex like an Infant of Prague.

-- Anonymous

Just think of all the money saved from not printin' Gs at the end of her words.

-- Anonymous

Because he is cute? You must be writing from some way back time in the 1980s. Are you wearing shoulder pads? How big is your hair? What color are your leg warmers? Believe it or not, Pat Benatar and Cindy Lauper or no longer big stars. And Madonna is British. But not for long.

-- Anonymous

In major sweaty weather, I've rolled up cotton washcloths under my breasts, in my bra, to keep the bra more dry. I generally wear light, long pants, or cotton shorts. A "medicated" powder (sort of camphor smelling) is helpful, especially if anything starts feeling rash-y.

-- Anonymous

It's hard to hug under a stall.

-- I-M

My eyes! My eyes!

-- The potato

A lawyer and a landlord setting up house after leaving their unsuspecting beards. There should be enough bad karma in that house to kill a small animal on contact.

-- Don't get a Chihuahua, bitches.

This thread is useless without pictures

-- Anonymous

OP was running wild-eyed to the compactor shute in an open caftan with a flaming casserole when said event occurred.

-- Anonymous

Husband's coffin kills woman on way to cemetery SAO PAULO, Brazil – Police say a woman has died on the way to a cemetery when a traffic accident hurled her husband's coffin against the back of her neck. Police said 67-year old Marciana Silva Barcelos was in the front passenger seat of the hearse when the accident occurred Monday in the southern state of Rio Grande do Sul.

Barcelos died instantly.

Her 76-year-old husband Josi Silveira Coimbra died Sunday of a heart attack while dancing at a party.

The driver of hearse and Barcelos' son suffered minor injuries.

-- Anonymous

Barack: To think that mother-fucker ordered the Marine Band to play the theme song from "The Jeffersons!"

-- Anonymous

Could you please tell Oprah she is getting fat again. No one else has enough power to confront her.

-- Gayle

Barack: George told me that the only thing wrong with the Presidential Suite bathroom is that the water fountain next to the toilet is too low.

-- Anonymous

Michelle: There was this big bag of dirty laundry just sitting right in the middle of the hallway, all grey and nasty. I pretended to ignore it until it introduced itself as former First Lady Barbara.

-- Anonymous

Waylon Flowers used to smack the shit out of Madame.

-- Anonymous

"I don't know if this is really true but I heard that Hallmark, Hyatt and Crown Center Westin Hotel employees have been told never to discuss the event even if guests ask."

Which could explain the lack of "Ask Me About The Skybridges" buttons on all members of staff.

-- Anonymous

Thank god Airbus has introduced their enormous A380. Finally! Something that can hold all of OP's baggage!

-- Anonymous

Do people really tip their mail carrier? I believe mine gets enough satisfaction from bending any envelope addressed to me that says "DO NOT BEND" on it.

-- Please Mr. Postman

OP, the international space station just called to congratulate you. Your overwhelming bitter jealousy is the first emotion ever to be detected from orbit.

-- Anonymous

"Scott Eckern of California Musical Theatre!" has replaced "Estelle Getty!" as my new safe word!

-- Anonymous

In true Mormon fashion, every year Scott lobbies Tams-Witmark for the rights to present his revisical, "Seven Brides for One Brother."

-- Anonymous

He's like a snarling chihuahua trapped under an overturned laundry basket.

-- Anonymous

Whenever someone types the words "female singer," it acts as a moose call on Datalounge. Old queens in all 50 states put down their gin and tonics and type "Judy"

-- The Prophetess

I'm planting herbs for my bf.

I'm hoping my bf will get me a laptop computer.

-- Cheech

Not in the men's room at the airport. Trust me.

-- Larry Craig

Is this Broadway or Branson?

-- "Some coffee, Mr. Van Winkle?"

You can't blame her from not knowing anything about Africa. She can't see it with Russia blocking her view.

-- Anonymous

Gotcha!

-- The Media

"Why is FOX a party to this gossip? I'm entertained by the revelations, but I don't understand why FOX is acting as the messenger. All the toadying up to Palin, and then only a day after the election..."

Like spiders, squids and rats, Republicans turn to cannibalism when food sources are scarce.

-- Anonymous

Mav'rick!

-- Anonymous

Did Cindy do anything?

-- Who's a unt?

If Prop 8 passes, I'm making tomorrow the first annual Slap a Christian Across the Fucking Face Day.

-- Slap a Christian Today!

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings, and I'm the fat lady everybody wants to hear from.

-- peg

McCain will now be making an unexpected campaign stop to go kill his 96-year-old mother.

-- Anonymous

If it were really accurate, wouldn't IT be pissing on US?

-- Anonymous

The intricate rituals of cubeworld are more complicated than the Japanese tea ceremony.

-- Anonymous

It's basically JonBenet with three Johns and one Patsy.

Case closed.

-- Anonymous

Does that mean pregnant women get to vote twice?

-- The GOP, desperate and excited

OP, do you also call the Citibank customer service line and jerk off?

-- "Gracious Good Morning And Most Excellent Hellos..."

But somehow, it still wasn't enough--I wasn't happy.

-- pp. 18, 47, 102, 111, 223-245, 376, 501, 503, 639, 812 (footnote), 941

OP = David Geffen's housekeeper in a cold sweat.

-- Anonymous

"I've GOT to see this!"

Go if you must, but watch out for flying dentures. They wound.

-- Anonymous

Cindy looks so confused and upset because she gave Joe big bucks yesterday so that he could get her a supply of Vicodin to see her through Tuesday night. Cindy doesn't know what she's going to do now.

-- Anonymous

40,000 disgruntled postal workers. Yeah, that'll work out well.

-- Anonymous

"'Alors, qu'est-ce que vous pensez?" Gaultier asked hopefully, as he unveiled the new specially-designed bustier. Well, what else could I say, faced with what he showed me?

'POINTIER!!! I told you I wanted them POINTIER!!!'" --p. 144

-- Anonymous

"Fuck you, you fuck," I told him. "But, Madonna--" "I said to shut the fuck up before I step on your balls!Do not mention that again!" "But Madonna--" "FUCK YOU AND THE RABBI YOU RODE IN ON MOTHERFUCKER!!!" "But it would be brilliant!" "Why would it be brilliant?" I asked him, my defenses worn down. "Because, because--" He took a moment to catch his breath. I had, after all, cupped his scrotum in my hand and squeezed with all my man strength. "--Because you are so gentle and loving and--" "AND? WHAT ELSE AM I FUCKER?" "So full. . .So full of wisdom."

And that is how I was convinced to sit down and take pen to paper and create a series of children's books.

-- Anonymous

That little crabby McCain ad afterward reminded me of Statler & Waldorf, the old-man muppets who would make jeering peanut-gallery comments during the closing credits on the Muppet Show.

That's McCain. He's the jeering spectator... not the central character. Obama is so clearly the center of America's political universe at this moment.

-- Anonymous